I was once voted the worst audience participant Cirque Du Soleil ever had

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 22:07:35 GMT

This is one of those tedious top 10 lists. This one is about music. I put about 3 seconds of thought into it.

Cool.

25. Florence and the Machine - Lungs

24. Memory Tapes - Seek Magic

23. Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest

22. Kid Cudi - Man on the Moon: The End of Day

21. Shakira - She Wolf

20. Animal Collective -

Merriweather Post Pavilion

19. Camera Obscura - My Maudlin Career

18. DJ Quik & Kurupt - BlaQKout

17. Neko Case - Middle Cyclone

16. Volcano Choir - Unmap

15. Handsome Furs - Face Control

14. J Dilla - Jay Stay Paid

13. Fuck Buttons - Tarot Sport

12. Wild Beasts - Two Dancers

11. Neon Indian - Psychic Chasms

10. Raekwon - Only Built 4 Cuban Linx... Pt. II

9. Girls - Album

8. Lady Gaga - The Fame Monster

7. Fever Ray - Fever Ray

6. jj - jj Nº 2

5. Music Go Music - Expression

4. Yeah Yeah Yeah - It's Blitz

3. Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

2. Annie - Don't Stop

1. Bat For Lashes - Two Suns

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 16:37:35 GMT

Please find below completely non-negotiable list of the ten best singles of the past decade:

10. Girls Aloud - The Promise
9. Girls Aloud - Something Kinda Ooooh
8. Girls Aloud - Can't Speak French
7. Girls Aloud - The Loving Kind
6. Girls Aloud - Jump
5. Girls Aloud - Sexy! No No No...
4. Girls Aloud - Call The Shots
3. Girls Aloud - No Good Advice
2. Girls Aloud - Untouchable
1. Girls Aloud - Biology

The end.

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 21:32:00 GMT

Dis song. Dis song, fuck.

I'm trawling through my iTunes and making a massive "THIS DECADE WAS LITERALLY NOT AT ALL SHIT FOR MUSIC" playlist. An epic feat of enormous boredom that also raising the important questions, such as:

How many Girls Aloud songs is too many?
Is Parachute really that good? (A: Yes)
Me and Giuliani Down by the School Yard (A True Story) amazing or amazing?
Johnny Boy: The biggest syndrome this decade of perfect single/gash album?
Why didn't people appreciate The Pipettes V.1.2 more?

Basically my way of saying

'HELLO FRIENDS LIST, I'M MAKING A RATHER ANNOYING/BRILLIANT BEST SONGS OF THE DECADE POST IN A MO'. YOU CAN DISAGREE WITH MY CHOICES BUT IT'S JUST GOING TO MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A BIT OF A DICKHEAD'

NEW AIM SCREENAME AAAAAAHHH

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 17:31:08 GMT

HELLO

DUE TO MY/AIM/MOSTLY MY INCOMPETENCE, I HAVE MOVED STICKS TO A NEW IM:

excessstraussess

!!!!~~~

COME AND ADD ME IF YOU ARE NOT A TOTAL CREEPER

THAT IS ALL.

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 23:03:28 GMT

bbbBBBUT

WHICH ONE IS THE REAL CHERYL???

I DON'T KNOW

DO YOU?

I have my best guys on it.

They will not rest until this mystery is solved.

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 21:21:44 GMT

hi!!!!

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:32:20 GMT

Taking some time out to rep Miss Harding AKA The Fifth Wheel. Because, let's be honest, if Girls Aloud were your kids, she would be the step-child you beat every night with your belt. This isn't right. We should value each member of GA equally, for as a great philosopher once said "Were it not for Sarah, this band would have a Javine in it" and that is definitely not on.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

~*~*LOL*~*~~*~*LOL*~*~~*~*LOL*~*~~*~*LOL*~*~~*~*LOL*~*~~*~*LOL*~*~

LOOK AT YOU.

GO ON. LOOK AT YOURSELF. YOU WANTED TO SEE A SARAH PICSPAM.

EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING AT YOU

SOME PEOPLE JUST CAN'T BELIEVE U WOULD CLICK TO SEE A SARAH PICSPAM

NOBODY IS SUGGESTING THAT YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HEL-OH WHAT DO THESE PEOPLE NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP?

OH OK THEN.

ALL IN ALL A PRETTY EMBARRASSING ROOKIE MISTAKE FROM YOU

CHIN UP, KID. YOU'LL KNOW BETTER NEXT TIME.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 20:52:26 GMT

So it's been p.long time since I did a proper 'This is my life' style update because, tbqh, they are quite dull (when I do them) and I know the deal with you guys. You're busy people, you have your owns lives to live, and I'd hate to think that you'd wasted valuable minutes reading paragraph after paragraph of complete nonsense that doesn't really inform you of anything noteworthy at all.

So instead of reading this entry in its entirety, may I suggest several other things you could do with your time:

Write a poem! A Cinquain, a Haiku, A rhyme! Just go nuts, you silly goose!!
Phone your grandmother. She's really feeling down at the minute. She's old, everything hurts and all her friends are dying :( Go on! Make her wonder "What does that little shit want this time??" and pick up the phone. If your grandmother is a nasty old witch, just reverse the charge on her!
Call up a local charity and inquire about any opportunities to volunteer with them! Don't actually do it, just get the satisfactory glow that comes with thinking about doing something good without having to smell gross homeless people and having a crazy veteran wave his penis at you!
Take of the safe search on GIS and just go nuts!!!

So if you've clicked this cut, that means you didn't like my ideas! WTH guys. I really thought hard about those. Upsetting.

Anyway, I'm feeling really good at the minute! Aside from occasional bouts of parental nonsense (wherein they forget they're my parents and assume the role of...idk something really fukken nasty. Think of a suitable comparison yourself. Jeez.) everything is going well. First time in a long while I've feel the desire to be social and go out and god, you guys, there's a lot of stuff out there. Air, water, trees. To name just a few! If you haven't tried it I give it my seal of approval.

School is not so bad. The schedule is pretty hectic compared to what I'm used to, meaning I'm there Mon-Fri for a few hours each day WHAT, but I don't mind it. I'm surrounded by Arsenal fans who think my accent automatically makes me a scruffy little oik who'll steal their shoe laces if they turn their backs or something, but IDC. I'm like "w/e guys, the internet likes my voice and they're all really sexy and awesome and you're wearing a pocket protector, Will! What's up with that?"

Will wears a pocket protector to protect his pocket from his biro. I say, "Will, if you're so worried about your pocket why not just take the pen out and put it in your bag?" but he doesn't listen to me.

I got dressed up for Halloween this year! I haven't done that since I was a kid. Instead of the whole thinking for yourself thing, me and the flatmates each wrote down some costume ideas and put them in a hat to pick at random. I had to put 'tampon' back into the hat because I'm game for a lot of things but I draw a line at dressing like something a woman puts in her vagina. That's been my rule since like forever.

A zombie asked for my number at a house party but idk. Not feeling it at the minute. And since I became a lesbian, roughly two days ago, I've not yet felt the urge to have sex with a woman. I don't know how long it takes to kick in. Haven't even received my welcome pack yet. The only thing I feel since converting is less funny and more offended.

I really can't do long entries anymore. Think I expunge all of my thoughts on twitter these days (sorry about that!!!) but ILU all and hope you're doing good.

Except you.

You're a dick.

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 23:54:53 GMT

THIS POST MAY BE SO SEXY THAT YOUR EYES WILL LITERALLY GET SO HORNY THEY EXPLODE

IT IS A SHOWCASE OF THE MANY (SEXY) FACES OF (SEXY) CHERYL (SEXY) COLE

HI!!!!!!!!!!

HI!!!!!!!

HI!!!!!!!!!!

HI!!!!!!!

OH!

OH!

OH!

OH!

GET OUT.

CHORYL

Then idk what happened in these pics. So ugly. Sigh.

ugh

gross

my eyes

Just to bring things back onto a more somber note, let's not forget the dessert that has become her Vietnam

From time to time

She will remember

It can happen at any place, any time

Where is her parade, huh?

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 21:40:09 GMT

Queen Cheryl Tweedy of England & Empress of Chav is a National Treasure in her homeland The United Island of Ukfordshire. She attained this prestigious rank by decking narky toilet attendants (NOT RACIALISTLY THOUGH OK?) being a wag, sitting next to Simon Cowell, talking about pubes and being a member of the best girlband ever. No, not The Saturdays. The other ones.

To say that her debut solo album was hotly anticipated would be fucking ridiculous, so just stop with that nonsense right now. Everyone thought it would be terrible, and the only reason we wanted to buy it was so that Cheryl might notice and come to our houses and proclaim undying love for us and leave Ashley and let us touch her hair.

If anyone says otherwise, they're a dirty rotten liar and you should stick their hands in a blender.

ANYWAY

When I heard the phrase "Cheryl Cole solo album"
I was all like
then I was all like ,

then I remembered that Girls Aloud were on hiatus so that Sarah could "act" and Nuhdeen could write amazing songs about taps or something. Nicola could promote being pale and sickly looking. And Kimberley could win awards for being from Yorkshire.

so I was like "Hmmm...

...OK THEN!"

My expectations were were as low as Sarah after a 12 hour sambuca binge.

But, you know what?

This

album

is

quite

literally

PRETTY GOOD!

REALLY? YES REALLY!!!

1. 3 WORDS

TOO. MUCH. WILL.I.AM

BUT EVERYTHING ALL SWIRLS TOGETHER LIKE SOME KIND OF MAGICAL MUSICAL WALNUT WHIP

THEN I

2. PARACHUTE

I DON'T EVEN...LIKE...HAVE YOU HEARD THIS SONG?

AMAZING.

3. HEAVEN

4. FIGHT FOR THIS LOVE

ON THE ONE HAND

BUT ON THE OTHER THIS SONG COULD BE INTERPRETED AS A SONG ABOUT

AND THAT JUST DON'T JIVE

5. RAIN ON ME

SO I'M PRETENDING I GOT SOMETHING IN MAH EYES

JUST SO U DON'T SEE ME CRY~~

6. MAKE ME CRY

7. HAPPY HOUR

8. STAND UP

9. DON'T TALK ABOUT THIS LOVE

Syphilis [SI-fi-lis] is a sexually transmitted bacterial infection.
Syphilis is most often passed from person to person through sexual contact. It can also be passed from an infected pregnant woman to her unborn child.
Syphilis is treatable with antibiotics.
Without treatment, syphilis moves through the body in stages, damaging many organs over time. Infected persons are highly infectious during the early stages.
To prevent syphilis: 1) do not have sex with persons who have genital sores; 2) use condoms with new sex partners; 2) if you think you are infected, avoid sexual contact and see a health-care provider; 3) tell all sexual contacts to see a health-care provider. All pregnant women should receive a prenatal blood test for syphilis.

What is syphilis?
Syphilis is a sexually transmitted disease (STD) that progresses in stages and can damage many parts of the body.

What is the infectious agent that causes syphilis?
Syphilis is caused by Treponema pallidum, a spiral-shaped bacterium called a spirochete.

How do people get syphilis?
Syphilis is spread from person to person. A person gets syphilis from direct contact with a syphilis sore on the body of an infected person. Sores occur at the site of infection, mainly on the external genitals, vagina, anus, or rectum. Sores can also be on the lips and in the mouth.
Transmission occurs during vaginal, anal, or oral sex. An infected pregnant woman can also pass the disease to her unborn child. Syphilis cannot be spread by contact with toilet seats, door knobs, swimming pools, hot tubs, bathtubs, shared clothing, or eating utensils.

10. BOY LIKE YOU

STILL SHOULD HAVE PUT A DONK ON IT

blah blah blah other song blah

This album gets:

TWO THUMBS UP

ONE OF THESE GESTURES INNIT

A SUGGESTIVE EYEBROW WIGGLE

SOME OF THIS

A SNAP FOR THE HATERS

AND

SOME BOOB JIGGLES

It's alright, isn't it?

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 20:17:23 GMT

SURPRISED ARE YOU MY OLD FRIEND, MY POWER IS INVINCIBLE! I'M GOING TO ENJOY FINISHING YOU OFF!!

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 17:15:22 GMT

The Saturdays are a UK girlband who are not Girls Aloud. If you compare them to Girls Aloud (Whom they are not) their fans (Who may or may not be, but usually are, Girls Aloud fans) will tell you to appreciate their music without likening them to Girls Aloud because The Saturdays and Girls Aloud are two completely different groups. The only thing they have in common is that they each contain five girls, some of whom are fit and some of whom are not. It's also impossible to lump them all in the same category because some members of Girls Aloud have had the gaul to force some semblance of a personality on us. The Saturdays have been kind and realised we just can't be doing with all that nonsense. As a result they're known as Blonde Saturday, Once Had Short Hair Saturday, Looks Vaguely Haunted By Childhood Trauma Saturday, Don't Know Who You're Trying To Kid - You're Ginger Saturday and The Other Saturday.

You also wouldn't imagine that any of them have indulged in any drunken fingerbanging after a night on the drink.

If that's the type of thing you like to imagine.

THERE ARE NO SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THEM, OK?

DO U SEE?

As a result of Not Being Girls Aloud they are unfortunately also Not Very Good.

One of them used to be in S Club Juniors.

Here is what one super critic thinks of their latest offering.

1. FOREVER IS OVER

2. HERE STANDING

3. EGO

4. NO ONE

5. ONE SHOT

6. WORDSHAKER

7. DENIAL

8. OPEN UP

9. LOSE CONTROL

10. NOT GOOD ENOUGH

11. DEEPER

12. 2 AM

/5

I'M JUST HAPPY THAT

LISTENING TO THIS MEDIOCRE ALBUM

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 22:03:26 GMT

TEGAN AND SARA, SAINTHOOD:
A REVIEW

KINDA

SORTA

1. ARROW

2. DON'T RUSH

3. HELL

4. ON DIRECTING

5. RED BELT

6. THE CURE

7. NORTHSHORE

8. NIGHT WATCH

9. ALLIGATOR

10. PAPERBACK HEAD

11. THE OCEAN

12. SENTIMENTAL TUNE

13. SOMEDAY

GIVING THIS ALBUM A SCORE OF:
/5

I'm sorry, next time I'll try not to be so 'wordy' in my reviews.

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 17:39:19 GMT

BEA ARTHUR IS DEAD AND WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE FROM SWINE FLU

AND I CAN'T FIND MY KEYS. THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER.

HOPE U AND ESTELLE GETTY ARE PLAYING BRIDGE IN THE AFTERLIFE, BEA. RUE AND BETTY WHITE GON POUR A 40 OUT TO THA CURB 4 U.

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 12:50:58 GMT

Skins finale don't let me down. Embrace the wants and desires of your loyal and patient fans. Make 2009 the year that you

KILL OFF KATIE

!!!

Also, during the inevitable season 4 break-up of Naomi and Emily, could you not be obvious and have it be over a boy? Let Emily have some fun.

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 22:27:14 GMT

LOL

Look at that bitch in the corner not down with their ~*true love*~

fuck you, uglier twin

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 17:30:49 GMT

Katie, please go and diaf.

The worst thing Effy has ever done is stop short of killing you with a rock.

Also lol @ Freddie and his dandy scarf.

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 03:50:07 GMT

IF I HAVE STAYED UP AND SUFFERED THROUGH 3 HOURS OF THIS SHIT AND KATE WINSLET OR SEAN PENN DOESN'T WIN

WELL THEN I'M A VERY SILLY PERSON INDEED.

LOL NVM!

BOO MOTHERFUCKIN YAH

MUSIC MEME!!11

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 22:16:54 GMT

1. Put Your iTunes on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds! (post it to a site like mediafire, sendspace, megaupload if you can and copy the links and paste them next to the song title)
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Tag friends

What do your friends think of you?
The Who - My Generation

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say...
Dan Auerbach - Street Walkin' ("Is this okay?""wut? street walkin'? sure, just put some mace in ur purse" me all over.)

How would you describe yourself?
Belle and Sebastian - Like Dylan in the Movies

What do you like in a guy/girl?
Cut Copy - Strangers in the Wind

How do you feel today?
PJ Harvey - Legs

What is your life’s purpose?
Grand Archives - Miniature Birds

What is your motto?
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - The Gold Finch and the Red Oak Tree

What do you think about very often?
Bishop Allen - Click, Click, Click, Click

What is 2+2?
Eels - My Descent Into Madness

What do you think of your best friend?
Ohtis - Sugar Babe

What do you think of your special someone?
Elliott Smith - Going Nowhere

What is your favorite makeout song?
Scott Walker - Next (This is so APT. If I ever make out with a matador, I'll play this song.)

What is your life story?
Beirut - The Canals Of Our City

What do you want to be when you grow up?
The Handsome Family - Tin Foil (Aim high, kids.)

What do you think of when your special someone comes in the room?
Beck - Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime (~i need ur loving like tha sunshine~)

What will you/did you dance to at your wedding?
Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong - Things Are Looking Up (omg good one)

What will they play at your funeral?
Phosphorescent - The Party's Over (ur damn right it is)

I tag you , you and especiallyyou

(PS. If you're not, you should be watching Skins right now. Cooke's Cock Mention Counter: 8123)

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 01:03:23 GMT

I just saw this

It is amazing. Amy Adams and the Hoffman are great, but the real star is natch the hbic meryl

Nuns are fierce.

The SAG awards were boring, but omfg how cute and funny were will arnett and amy's little bits??? "I've talked my way out of 11 fights and I've cried more this year than most women do in a lifetime" I hope Amy's series doesn't bomb because THE WORLD NEEDS TO HAVE MORE AMY. And it's just so qt that they're always with Tina at these award show. She should consider dumping the hobbit man and get all Big Love with them.

And the men from Milk and Emily Blunt? ~come into my lair i have sumthing 2 show u my pretties~ Seriously though, Buble must kick his ass daily for cheating on her fine self. She should upgrade from jkras immediately, too.

So this is officially going to be the year of Streep Vs. Winslet Vs. Jolie's Continual Disappointment and of Mickey Rourke's melted face Vs. Sean Penn's melting face.

And while I was mildly pertubed as to the lack of Hayek +2,

Those will do nicely kthnx. Between The Reader, Quills and Little Children I think i've seen her nipples more than I have my own this week.

Not that I actively seek out my own nip-

Oh w/e.

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 23:00:27 GMT

someone needs to transform into a shameless ~award show~ whore so we can pow wow on the least glitzy of all hollywood events THE SAG AWARDS!

WILL BRAD AND ANGIE IGNORE RYAN SEACREST?
WILL SALMA HAYEK DRESS TO ACCENTUATE HER BREASTS?
WILL JOSH BROLIN LOOK A MIXTURE OF CREEPY AND HOT THAT I DEEM CROT?
WILL KATE WINSLET DISGRACE A NATION SAYS THE DAILY MAIL?
WILL I TRAVEL TO HOLLYWOOD AND BREAK ANNE HATHAWAYS KNEECAPS ~~IF SHE WINS~~ REGARDLESS OF IF SHE WINS?

Yes to all of the above...